Friday, October 03, 2014

I'm the Worst

I KNOW I can be my own worst enemy.
We took family pics yesterday, the weather had just the right window of opportunity and thanks to a good friend and her patience with my family we got the pictures done!
Later that night I had a chance to sit down at my computer and have a look, what was initial optimism turned into an immediate mood change seeing pictures of myself.
I think I am one of those people that think I look nicer than I really do and then I see a photo of myself and freak out....
Looking at the pictures I sat there thinking~gosh I'm fat, yikes that's gross, oh look at that roll, oh my goodness why did I choose that pose...and on and on the negative comments went inside my head and yeah I'm pretty sure they rolled off my tongue too...sigh....ultimate fail raising a teenage girl and I know that people!!!!
Yet that didn't stop the feelings and the words from coming and that didn't stop how I suddenly felt hatred towards myself. I felt like such a failure, I've been 'trying' to lose weight for ohhhh about 13 years now and I've had a few successes with pounds here and there but nothing sustainable so that feeling of failure and insecurity reared it's ugly head and there I sat seemingly powerless to it!
I got up from the computer and stomped off to bed when my photographer friend emailed me a few of the pictures she had worked on at her end and I admit they were beautiful. Maybe it was because she had chosen the ones where I was tucked behind, none the less they were beautiful! So I unloaded to her how I was feeling and her response was so gracious and kind. It so helped me in that moment!
This is not a post to tell you that I woke up with an 'aha' moment and now I will never eat chocolate again,(miracle of miracles) this is just a post to say I'm a definite work in progress!!
Gosh aren't we all!!
Would I like to 'arrive' in this area, absolutely but for now I'm on a journey not sure how it will all turn out but I know that God isn't too thrilled when He hears His daughter call herself names or tear herself down.
Yet He is eternally patient with me as He is with you!!
This journey, whatever it may be for you, will look different for everyone! We were never promised the same road we were just promised that no matter where the road took us we wouldn't be alone!
When He says 'It's possible'...we all gotta cling to that!!
So whatever you are facing I pray you are surrounded by people you can be REAL with, people that will hold you accountable and people that will walk alongside you no matter what!
Never forget despite what we may sometimes feel, we are wholly and completely loved just as we are!!!
Love you friends!
Have a great weekend!

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