Wednesday, February 03, 2010
Season of Change
Its not even spring or even close for that matter and yet I feel a season of change sweeping across the corners of my heart. I have realized without a doubt that whatever I focus on takes over my vision and whether it is good or bad it is the direction that I go.
I found myself heading in a bad direction with bad focus and was amazed at how easily my thoughts could turn from hopes and dreams of the future to an unbelievable sense that I had lost all faith in humanity and I have to say, what a scary place to be. In that dark moment that lasted an entire afternoon and moments in between days , God revealed himself to me in ways that were so powerful that I wanted to weep.
What was it that caused me such pain you may ask? It was a general sense that the world around me had lost all respect for themselves, each other and respect for marriages was out the window. It was an afternoon were low self worth and self-doubt made an ugly appearance. You see all around me there were women who were scantily clad to say the least, lets just say they left nothing to the imagination, there was heavy silicone involved and they all had bodies that had jumped out of the pages of magazines to inappropriate to look at.
Here I was walking around a tropical paradise and at every turn was another one of 'these women', and the thoughts that echoed in my head were disturbing....'how can you ever compete with that? Go on Louise, just give up already you are worthless, you are fat and ugly.' Thoughts I had long ago banished had appeared and were screaming for my attention. IT WAS HORRIBLE.
I am embarrassed to say that I allowed myself to linger upon those thoughts and actually for a moment had myself believing them. For that selfish moment it was all about the outward appearance for me and I had a hard time realizing that that is just a small part of the real true person.
In that moment I managed to pause and pray and ask God to help me get through this time and give me a glimpse of His hope and a glimpse of what He sees in me. I prayed, He answered...In that day alone I had a few random strangers stop and tell me how beautiful they thought I was, I had a friend offer kind words of encouragement, I had an elderly man tell my husband to make sure he takes good care of me, I had my husband put his arm around me and gaze lovingly into my eyes and tell me I was beautiful.
Then the moment that brought the most tears to my eyes, it was as if God orchestrated this moment perfectly, at dinner time we were seated by an elderly couple who were celebrating their anniversary of about 60 years. As I watched the waiters were singing them a love song they lovingly gazed into each others eyes and shared a moment with each other that could be felt across the room, gazes so loving that it was the perfect picture of love the way God intended it to be between a man and a woman. In that moment it wasn't about whether or not she had the perfect body, it wasn't about catching the gaze of every man in the room, it was about the memories and the sands of time that had created a love and a bond so powerful between these two that even though outward appearances had faded to beautiful wrinkles they saw beyond that to the core of each other and all that they had been through and looked as though they would rather be there together than any other place in the world.
In the recesses of my heart hope flickered again, God blew upon that flicker and allowed the flame to be restored in humanity and the love that is meant to be shared between a husband and a wife. The world has so many temptations around every bend, for man or woman, and yet if our focus remains on God our future can be so filled with hope and light that the temptation is a darkness we are not even tempted to enter.
I am so thankful to have a savior who cares enough for me to shine a light so bright that darkness doesn't stand a chance.
So what is the season of change for me? It is season of hope for the future and a constant reminder to consistently focus on that which is good and pure and crowd out the garbage that vies for my attention.